Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
