I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
