Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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