Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
