i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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