Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
