the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize