just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You ruined the universe
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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