one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
