please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
areolas are like halos for boobs.
bring money and cleavage
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
