I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Randomize
