Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
