just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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