If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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