Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
How many fucks given?
0.12846
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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