I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
