He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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