I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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