Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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