I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
