The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
