nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
our cab driver is having phone sex.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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