apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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