I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I don't deserve a penis
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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