her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
