Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
