I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
