Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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