im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
