the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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