no, he came in my armpit
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
