Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
