i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
