your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
