i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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