Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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