her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
