Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
