Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
