i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
