last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize