I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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