Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
