there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Randomize
