1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize