there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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