oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
