i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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