i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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