New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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