Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
