his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
