and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
