My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
