Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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