I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
