pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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