This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
