I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
