Pappa wants mamma naked
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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