I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
