I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
