i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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