i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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