rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
